Five months ago, on a seemingly normal Saturday that turned out to be the eve of my dog’s passing, I had scheduled to attend a local paint nite event with a friend. If you have read my previous blog post on the subject (or even if you have not), Jazz and I had a nice time together outside in the sun that day. Upon preparing for an evening out, though, my tiny buddy was not right and I decided to stay home with him instead of heading to paint. We laid together as we so often did.. and The evening of creating “Lavender Falls” would go on without my participation, and sadly would end up being my dog’s last night.
The following day my sweet little 7lb toy poodle passed away at the ripe old age of 17. I mean it when I say he was happy until the end. I also cannot deny his inevitable stiffness and slow pace, his diminished sight, hearing, and memory. We enjoyed the sun together that Saturday, and on Sunday he was gone.
Grieving for me has been both a very private but sometimes public process. Everyone at home and at work has been really gentle and understanding towards me, even all these months later. A dog will show up at the most random time and place for me to pet. When enjoying Nightside Jazz and Blues on the radio, it will keep saying the word jazz over and over again and it always feels like Jazz is a little closer when I am surrounded with his namesake word.
Kindness and compassion have been shown to me during the ongoing work to move through the stages of this loss. You can only let go so much really.. so much of Jazz’s presence is engrained in me that I carry it with me in my being and always will. I still want to hold on to that small and curly body of his. The sting from crying often has been something to endure. Yet, I am filled with not just the heavy burden of loss but conversely the gratitude of knowing my poodle and I had so many years with one another. Of course one must also be thankful for all the countless (hundreds) of photos to reflect back upon. We sure made a lot of beautiful memories.
After Jazz died I was met with an outpouring of support. I went on to join some poodle groups online where I shared my story about losing the best guy ever and became comforted by a sense of community developing around me. They know his life and death story now, and talking about him and sharing about our life together with others has encouraged me to heal. I have practised a lot of grief exercises that include guided meditations, and altars in his memory .. for humans we have a way society teaches us to let go: with funerals, tombstones, ceremonies and what have you. For pets there are no real rules so I made my own rituals to move through my feelings. This often means that I still leave the radio on for him even though he is gone. Some people told me that when I was ready for another dog I would know and that would help me heal too. This actually made me feel angry to hear because to me no dog could ever compare. Some other folks said that it would be necessary to wait a certain length of time before being appropriate to add a (new) dog to my life. And then other people told me to enjoy my freedom and try to appreciate life without a dog and enjoy going out more etc. That also made me angry as there is nothing liberating about being dogless, I have even described feeling imprisoned by his loss. As the popular quote goes “Once you have had a wonderful dog, a life without one, is a life diminished.” — Dean Koontz, author, “Whispers”. I’m not myself, I cannot enjoy the things I used to, I cry and look forward to being with him but am forced to sit with only his memory instead. So that is what I do. The fact is that we are all unique individuals and there is no rule-book. The emotions and choices are all personal even when I share them here with the world. Everyone means well, I know. There is freedom, for Jazz.. because he gets to truly rest now. He never did complain when he was alive, but I know his body and mind did not function like they used to. Wherever he is now there is one thing I am sure of and that is he is at peace, which is all I could ever really ask for. I held him in his final moments and he gave me many, many years of unconditional love that will stay in my heart until I die. It has been said that he will be waiting for me when my end comes, I can only hope that is true.
Eventually I did go on to replicate that skipped paint nite artwork after all. There was much anticipation towards to the creative outing that I forwent that final Saturday. I was looking especially forward to “Lavender Falls” because the founder of Reiki, Dr. Mikao Usui was said to have meditated and discovered this healing technique at a waterfall upon Mount Kurama. So, some time after Jazz passed away I set aside some time to paint this artwork. It turned out nicely and will forever serve as one of the many reminders of a life well spent with my poodle. I also made a Rainbow Bridge inspired melted crayon piece. If you are not familiar with the poem I will include a link here: https://www.rainbowsbridge.com/Poem.htm – get your tissue!!
As it turns out I have worked this small but mighty furry baby of mine into some other artworks as well. Additionally I am fortunate enough to have received the gift of a well-executed oil portrait of my beloved old man from a fellow artist and poodle lover some years back. I will forever cherish his memory, leave the radio on for him and ask him for advice. Funny how such a tiny being can have such a massive impact on not only me but so many people around me.
Please enjoy the gallery here with some of my favourite dog pics. You are welcome to add a comment in memory of your favourite pet, living or not to keep their memory alive.
Savanna Dee ~ A.R.T. 